She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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