I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
