onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize