Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
