I hate all girls vehemently.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's official drugs can't kill me
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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