I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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