my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
