He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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