I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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