Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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