You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
