you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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