i need an iv and a liver transplant
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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