I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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