you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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