my mouth tastes like poor choices
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
