i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
