Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
