Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
