He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
