I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
