I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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