Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(646): View more from New York

The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

Fav 87 4427 1378
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(415): View more from California

i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again

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(310): View more from California

So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same

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(217): View more from Illinois

getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER

Fav 3 1324 692
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(970): View more from Colorado

I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.

Fav 2 1155 416
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(317): View more from Indiana

I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”

(317): View more from Indiana

I hope she gives him gonorhea

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