Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
