Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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