im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
