I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
