I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I think your dad took our porno
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
