I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
