She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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