Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
