theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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