Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
