so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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