I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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