my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
