I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just want nice things and good sex
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
