dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
