When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
well, you know. whores of a feather.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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