You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
