Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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