Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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