If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
