That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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