She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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