hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
