He uses pillows to masturbate.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
