Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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