If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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