Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize