She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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