So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I could make wine with my vomit
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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