Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
