i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
