i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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