I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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