tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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