I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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