I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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