i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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