woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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