He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
